Coming out is a deeply personal journey—one that can be empowering, emotional and sometimes overwhelming. In this episode of HEALTH Yeah!, experts from Stony Brook Medicine share tips and personal and professional experiences to help you navigate the coming out process in your own time and your own way.
Whether you’re thinking about taking that first step or supporting someone who is, this conversation is here to remind you: you are not alone.
The Experts
- Adam Gonzalez, PhD (he/him)
- Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP (she/her)
- Rebecca (Becca) Martowski (she/her)
What You’ll Hear in This Episode
- 00:00 Opening and Introductions
- 2:10 Is it ever too early or too late to come out?
- 2:55 The impact of coming out on mental health
- 3:20 Personal anecdotes
- 10:15 Coming out to your healthcare provider
- 11:32 Creating a welcoming and safe space to come out in a clinical setting
- 13:07 Representation
- 14:15 Tips for coming out
- 23:07 The Edie Windsor Healthcare Center at Stony Brook Medicine
- 25:25 LGBTQ* healthcare resources at Stony Brook Medicine
- 29:08 Closing Remarks
Resources
- LGBTQ* Care at Stony Brook Medicine
- The Edie Windsor Healthcare Center
- Tips for Coming Out (And Inviting In)
- PFLAG
Full Transcript
00:00 Opening and Introductions
Announcer
Welcome to HEALTH Yeah!, where experts from Stony Brook Medicine come together to discuss topics ranging from the complex inner workings of an infectious disease to tips and tricks for staying safe and healthy all year long.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Hello and welcome to HEALTH Yeah!. My name is Adam Gonzales. I’m a clinical psychologist by training and I’m Vice Chair of Behavioral Health in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health here at Stony Brook Medicine. And relevant to today’s episode, I’m co-chair of our Stony Brook Medicine LGBTQ Committee, and I’m a gay man.
We are here with a panel of experts for an important conversation talking about coming out.
I have with me Dr. Allison Eliscu and Becca Martowski. Can you both take a moment to introduce yourselves to our audience?
Becca Martowski
Sure. I’ll go first. So I’m Becca Martowski . I’m 30, I’m a lesbian, I use “she/her” pronouns. I work at the Edie Windsor Health Care Center in Hampton Bays, which is an outpatient clinic of Stony Brook. Most of our patients are LGBTQIA or HIV positive. I help run a queer social network in my spare time, and I’m very excited to be here.
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
And I’m Dr. Allison Eliscu. I’m the chief of Adolescent Medicine here at Stony Brook Children’s, and I’m one of the co-chairs of the Stony Brook Medicine’s LGBTQ committee. I use “she” and “her” pronouns and I try to be the best ally I can be for the LGBTQ community.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Thank you, Dr. Eliscu. Thank you both for being here. For those who may not know, “coming out” refers to the process of telling someone else how they identify in terms of their romantic interests, sexual orientation or gender identity.
Coming out as LGBTQ+ is a personal choice. It can be a difficult and lifelong process. And we’re here today to talk about coming out, the impact of it, and to provide some tips and support for coming out.
2:10 Is it Ever Too Early or Too Late to Come Out?
So I’m going to start us off with a couple of questions to help get the conversation going. Dr. Eliscu, is it ever too early or too late to come out?
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
No, it’s never too early or too late. Everybody should come out on their own timeline when it feels right or it feels comfortable for them. Some people find it easier to come out earlier in life to one or two people, and other people may not actually understand their full identity until they’re a little bit older in their life.
So whenever it feels right or feels comfortable is when people should try to come out.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah, thank you for sharing that. It’s definitely a personal choice and can be a lifelong process where you have to continue to come out over and over again.
2:55 The Impact of Coming Out on Mental Health
So now I’ll spend a couple of moments just talking about the mental health impact of coming out. We know that for the LGBTQ community, there are such high rates of anxiety, depression and also suicide. So coming out and being able to be your authentic self is really important to get that weight lifted off your chest and your shoulders. And at the same time, it can be really challenging.
3:20 Personal Anecdotes
I know for me, as I mentioned, I’m a gay man. I came out when I was around 18 years old. I was actually in Cancun, Mexico, with seven of my straight guy friends and started experiencing really intense panic attacks to the point where I actually had to go to the hospital in Cancun, which was really scary. And so for me, that was a signal that my mind, my body was just screaming to me like, it’s time you need to do this and let other people know.
And so I did and came out to them and they were all really supportive. And then I slowly started coming out to more of my friends and it probably took around 5 to 6 years before I actually told my parents. So it’s different for everyone.
Becca If you’re comfortable, if you wouldn’t mind sharing your story.
Becca Martowski
Yeah, actually it’s interesting because mine is like, I wouldn’t say it’s similar. I didn’t experience anxiety attacks, but, you know, you were saying that you might have to come out multiple times. And I think coming out is like a layered thing where you’re processing it mentally yourself as you’re going through it, and then you’re trying to communicate it to people around you. And you may not know exactly where you stand.
So like for me personally, I’ve always kind of known that I was not just heterosexual, but I grew up in a very uber religious house. So then I went to a very religious college. It was a fundamental Baptist school in Florida where you weren’t allowed to be gay. You actually could get kicked out of the school for being gay there.
There was, needless to say, a lot of gay people there in the closet. So I got to experience a lot of my fellow classmates who were hiding whenever they could to be together. And I didn’t really understand, but I remember feeling very empathetic towards them. And I had a conversation – I was maybe like 21 – with like one of my best friends. And she was the first person to ever verbally admit to me that she was bisexual. And I didn’t even know what that was, which sounds crazy, this was like 2014 maybe, to not know what a bisexual is, but I was very sheltered and I was like, immediately, that’s me. Like, that’s what I am.
I knew I couldn’t tell like my parents, but it was nice to share that experience with my good friend at the time, but never had the conversation really with my parents or anything like that.
I think they kind of just ignored it. They’d see a post I would share on Instagram or something and they would never address it. So it’s not like I was really not saying anything, but we never had that conversation with anyone in my family.
And I did a show in 2023 or 2022, and it’s called The Prom. There’s a movie version on Netflix. Go watch it. It’s lots of fun. It’s James Corden and Meryl Streep, maybe. Yeah, there’s a lot of very big names in there, but it’s basically about these two girls. They’re lesbians. They want to go to prom together, and the PTA puts on this fake prom to like, be cruel and it’s ugly.
Anyways, I met my good friend Machi in that production and they were telling me that they were running this social network and that I should go. And I was like, okay. So I finally tagged along with them to like a dance party and like the end of 2023. And I was just like, it was like an emotionally healing experience because I didn’t even know there was that many, like queer people in my age group on Long Island.
This is, I’ve skipped a lot, but I ended up getting married and divorced during all this from a straight man. And when I was divorced, I got divorced in 2022, and that’s what brought me to Long Island. He was from here, and when I got divorced, I was like, you know, I feel like I’ve been living this lie for a long time. I really want to explore my queerness more. And going to this dance party was like the perfect introduction.
I started identifying as queer then because I was like, I don’t know, I feel like bi doesn’t really cover it anymore. And that’s like that process I was talking about. I was kind of processing it. And I have been the happiest I’ve ever been. I had a conversation – I finally came out to my family last year, and I think that’s the most important part of coming out, is realizing which people it matters.
You don’t have to come out to everybody. Not everybody deserves to know you on the most intimate level, but you decide what you want to do, how you want to do it, when you want to do it, you do it for you and not for anyone else, really. And I remember when I was debating coming out and I was talking with my therapist and I was like, I really want to do it in person. My family’s from Connecticut and it was hard to get back and forth. And she was like, don’t you think that if it’s really about having your mom know the real you and this is hard for you, you should do it in whatever way is comfortable to you because it’s for you. It’s not for her. You’re giving her the opportunity to know the real you.
And I think that’s like the biggest thing when coming out. Like you don’t view it as rejection. It’s the opportunity.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah, there have been some shifts too. We’re talking about it in the context of coming out versus letting people in.
So going back to something that you said before about a lot of the classmates being in the closet, you know, we had this term for quite a while. It maybe has died down a little bit of talking about being in the closet, but that can be associated with so much shame and also guilt about not talking about it openly with other people.
So the idea of letting in is really inviting other people to know your true self, your authentic self, and that process kind of feels a little bit different about, you know, I’m choosing who to let into my life and be my authentic self worth versus more of that shame approach around coming out.
I want to shift to Dr. Eliscu for a minute. In the clinic, is this something that you see often in terms of patients talking to you about their sexual or gender identity, any health impacts that are relevant and what that process has been like for you?
10:15 Coming Out to Your Healthcare Provider
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
Yeah. First, I wanted to say, Becca, thank you so much for sharing such a personal story.
And yes, in adolescent medicine, we frequently see teens and young adults who identify as gay or transgender or really anybody in the LGBTQ spectrum. And the discussion about coming out – I think it’s really important to have that discussion with your provider. If your medical provider knows who you are and they’re able to kind of get to know you, the whole you, they’re able to provide counseling a little bit better.
They’re able to potentially do other blood tests or vaccines that you might need. It can impact your health and what medical risks you may be at risk for. So, yeah, I think it’s very important. It also helps to make people feel more comfortable with their provider if they have that true self. Similar to what you were talking about, Becca, how important it is for family members to know.
The medical community really should be part of that inner circle and know. Hopefully you’re comfortable sharing that with the medical providers so they get to know the real you and can really help to take care of the whole person.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Now, especially for you being an adolescent medicine clinician, for our young folks, really at any age, it can be scary to come out, a very anxiety provoking experience. Is there anything that you do or any tips for clinicians trying to create a more welcoming space so that people feel empowered or feel safe to come out when they’re in the doctor’s office?
11:32 Creating a Welcoming and Safe Space to Come Out in a Clinical Setting
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
Yeah, we really encourage all doctor’s offices to try to be as open and inclusive as possible. And even right when somebody walks in the office, seeing things, without even saying a word, things like, for example, a pin that providers may be wearing or a sign in the office saying share your pronouns and your chosen name so we can update your medical file. Those are really important and people can feel more welcome and realize, okay, people here can help take care of me.
As an example, I met a patient a couple of years ago who came in and shared that she was really struggling with her mental health pretty severely. It was the first time I met her and she felt comfortable sharing this information. And at the end of the conversation, I asked her why the very first time I met her, why she felt comfortable sharing this information when she actually hadn’t shared it with her roommate or her family members. And she really was struggling emotionally.
She mentioned she saw a rainbow ribbon on my ID badge, and she said without saying a word that ID badge and ribbon spoke volumes. She thought that would make me a non-judgmental person who may be able to help her. And that really does show just how much those nonverbal cues really can be very helpful.
13:07 Representation
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah, I know for me, again, as a gay man, when I walk into a space and I see the rainbow flag, the pride flag, it just automatically signals for me like, okay, cool – these folks get it. This is a safe space for me. So I know that can have a really significant impact, something so small as seeing the rainbow flag.
I take that to heart, in terms of coming out and being very open about being a gay man, because I do really believe that representation matters, especially when it comes to educational spaces, held spaces. I can talk about my sexual orientation or just simply note that I’m a gay man – we never know what impact that’s going to have on the youth that are in our presence and that other people or even adults who may not feel comfortable with disclosing that, they can feel more empowered of like, look, that person’s up there and they’re out. I can be out, too.
14:15 Tips for Coming Out
So speaking about being out, it would be great for us, I think, to share some coming out tips for our audience and some suggestions. So why don’t you kick us off, Becca.
Becca Martowski
Yeah, okay. So I kind of hit on some of them when I was being a chronic yapper before in telling my coming out story. But I think it’s important that you really prioritize you in the process. And that just includes being patient. Like, I think when you finally come to that point where you’re like, I am part of whatever – however you decide you identify, it’s common to feel an urgency to just like, well, if I don’t talk about it now, it’s not real.
Or if I don’t tell people, I’m ashamed and I need to work on that, why am I ashamed of myself? And it’s the whole mental aspect. Just like, take a breath and give yourself time to figure out what you want to do first.
I’d say for me, the most important thing I touched on before was finding a community. I think if you can find, if you don’t have queer people in your friend group already, if there’s like queer events you can go to or, you know, doing a lot of research and stuff like that, finding someone like reaching out to your provider sometimes. You know, it’s not always friends, you never know, like reaching out to your provider, having that safe space with them, just making a connection.
It gives you the courage to feel safe and have advice and someone to hold your hand while you go through the process.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah. You mentioned safety and safety is really important and I just want to acknowledge too, that for some people it may be unsafe to come out to family members. You know, here in the U.S., we have some privileges in terms of some spaces being welcoming and accepting spaces and in other parts of the world, people get killed because of their sexual identity or how they identify their gender. So know who you’re speaking to and you want to pick people that you feel really comfortable with that you know are going to be safe people that can support you, especially early on in your journey of coming out.
So safety is something to definitely consider, especially as a youth too, because there may be, say, like financial security to keep in mind too. And there’s lots of resources out there too, which we’ll go over a little bit later.
Becca Martowski
But if you’re in, you know, just to piggyback off that, if you’re in an environment where it’s not safe to be queer, it can be hard to find those resources as well because you don’t even know that they exist.
So I definitely agree, like finding someone you can trust that can at least point you in the right direction. I had, I’d say, a pretty painless coming out experience, but my girlfriend was very different. Like even in America, I don’t want to diminish the mental toll. Like sometimes it’s not like a physical danger, but the toxic environment you may have to live in.
Like my girlfriend left home when she was 18 because it was that bad. And she pretty much was homeless for the first two years, just bouncing from friend’s couch to friend’s couch because it wasn’t okay in her family.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah, we know that homelessness is another big experience for the LGBTQ youth, so that’s something to keep in mind.
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
It’s interesting you mentioned the safety and finding your people. You both mentioned that finding someone who you feel safe with to at least start that discussion. And I find when I talk to the adolescents alone with a parent stepped out, a lot of times that might come up. And I’ve heard it actually fairly frequently in the office: “You are the first person I’ve actually said it out loud to,” and that’s not always the person you would expect to say it out loud to first, the doctor. But sometimes patients will tell me, “if my parents find out they’re going to kill me.” That’s a phrase I hear a lot from teens.
And so we might do a role play, like pretend I’m mom or dad. And how do you think it would go? And sometimes we’ll bring them in and I’ll reassure them, your parents can’t kill you if they’re sitting right next to me. And so let’s get the initial shock outlets, have the conversation together and see how it goes.
And then once the shock wears off, then at least they know already. And then you can go home from there. And hopefully some of that shock will wear off by then. But finding a safe place to make that initial conversation.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
And in terms of parents, which I think is important to point out, that parents often have, you know, their vision of their child and who they expect this little person to grow up to be.
So for the LGBTQ youth, this might be something, I know for me, going back to when I was five, I remember knowing that there was something different about me, right? So for us, you know, we’re dealing with this our whole life and until that point of coming out. So we’re processing it. We’re trying to figure it out.
So it’s important to remember that for your parents, this might be something brand new for them. So also being patient with them and their reactions because again, you’ve been processing this likely your whole life. And for them, they’re just hearing this for the first time. So it may take time for them to adjust and to really be able to digest it.
And you spoke about some of this Becca, too.
Becca Martowski
Yeah, my parents were just very strict, very religious. I don’t want to make them sound cruel. I’m adopted. They were wonderful people, and I think especially tying into that you’re processing it your whole life and your frontal lobe is also not developed yet. So you have that same anxiety, you don’t know how to navigate, you need your parents help, but you’re scared of their reaction so you can get caught in that balance.
And I think I had to come to a point just in general, even aside from coming out, where I realized, you know, this is my parents first go at parenting. And maybe I could have come out and had a conversation before joining a queer show and posting things online and talking about it with my friends.
But personally, I think having that little ease in and she got to be around it and I’m still the same Becca, you know. And I mean, my parents had a very different vision for my life. I was supposed to get married and, you know, have a husband and kids and buy a house down the street and all that.
You know, the divorce kind of crumbled all that anyways. So I think my parents are just used to like, you know, you do have to release that of what you want for your kids and realize that maybe happiness for them comes in a different form. And my mom is very smart and she knows me and sometimes she’ll be like, I’m not going to tell you what to do.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
I appreciate, too, that there may be some families that don’t come on board. And they don’t get it and it’s really difficult for them to accept where somebody is at. And so there is the concept and reality of chosen families being able to find your support network and develop a new family, a chosen family that is going to be there to have your back and support you through your life and your process.
So that’s important to know that there are people out there that will love and accept you.
Becca Martowski
Yeah, there’s different reactions and part of coming out, I think, is you have to come to a point where regardless of the reaction, you have to accept that like you may go through all that work and work up the courage and talk to them, and it may not be good. But there will be other people who are going to, you know, embrace you.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
So, Becca, if you can tell us a little bit about the Edie Windsor Health Center. You know, it’s really exciting that we have this here at Stony Brook Medicine.
23:07 The Edie Windsor Healthcare Center at Stony Brook Medicine
Becca Martowski
Yes. So I’m very excited. I didn’t even know that Edie Windsor existed before I started working there.
The Edie Windsor Health Care Center is an outpatient clinic of Stony Brook in Hampton Bays. I touched on it before, but the majority of our patients are LGBTQIA+. You don’t have to be to go there. We have a wonderful primary care physician, Dr. Lella, who provides your typical primary care services. You can go there for a cold. He can help you with, you know, other things, asthma medication, just your typical primary care.
There’s also sexual health services there, like PrEP and PEP. We do STI testing. We hand out free condoms and whatnot all the time. And then there’s also HIV care there as well via the Rose Walton Care Services.
And they do confidential, affirming care for HIV positive patients. Everyone there is very sensitive to the situation and they don’t turn anyone away based on finances if you’re HIV positive. I’ve been working there since March, and I will just say, like everyone there really cares about their job, like they care about the community.
And it’s like everyone says this, but there is a familial vibe there to me and I encourage everyone to go there. I have the best job. The patients come in and for the most part they’re happy, they’re happy to see us. I work the front desk, but it’s a great, great center and I, you know, try to tell everyone about it because I think a lot of people don’t even know that it exists.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Right. And we’re lucky to have you there, too. And we have lots of great services. We’re super proud of the Edie Windsor Center to have this comprehensive LGBTQ center here on Long Island, and we have lots of other great resources too.
And Dr. Eliscu, do you want to mention some of our other health resources here?
25:25 LGBTQ* Healthcare Resources at Stony Brook Medicine
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
Yeah. Even for the Edie Windsor Center, you know, for people who have trouble getting into Hampton Bays, they also do telehealth services, which is wonderful.
And they’re able there to prescribe things like mental health medications and manage hormones as well for gender affirming care. But if there’s anything that comes up that Dr. Lella is not comfortable with or they don’t have the experts right there within the Edie Windsor Center, they collaborate with us pretty frequently up here at Stony Brook Medicine or Stony Brook Children’s.
And so we are able to help manage other issues, whether it’s physical care, primary care or mental health services. And there also have been some new support groups, both for teens, gender diverse teens, as well as ones for parents as well.
Like Becca had mentioned, sometimes how difficult it can be for parents to start to understand their teens or their child’s identity. And it is a process. As a parent, I can tell you that when you’re pregnant and when your child is initially born, you do have hopes and dreams. You have visions of what that child’s going to be like in 18, 20, 30, 40 years before they can even say your name. And a lot of that can change when a person starts to have their own identity and starts to actually vocalize who they are.
So it’s a process. So there are supports out there for parents, like Stony Brook Medicine has a support group for parents as well as things like PFLAG are also great resources.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Thank you for sharing that. We can maybe turn back to some of our other tips, any last tips that we want to leave our audience with for coming out?
Allison Eliscu, MD, FAAP
I think really just trying to plan ahead. It shouldn’t be something where you come out just if you’re angry or if you’re in the middle of an argument, it should be something where you feel like this is a good person or a good step for you and something that’ll be supportive both for you and for them. So try to plan ahead a little bit if you can.
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yeah, I love what you were talking about earlier about role playing. So that is great. That’s amazing that you have offered that to your patients. But for those out there who don’t have that as a resource, you know, if you come out to a close friend or a close family member, it’s a great idea to role play and try to get out there.
Like, here’s what I want to say, how I want to say it, so that you have that under your belt or the mirror is always a good friend to practice with as well.
Becca Martowski
Being prepared I think is good in knowing what you’re going to say. And also like when it feels most natural to you because you want to feel as little stress as possible and relaxed and you’re just like sharing your truth, you know?
Adam Gonzalez, PhD
Yes, you want to be positive, to be able to set that tone of how that conversation is going to flow. So being positive and upbeat. I get it. It can be really anxiety provoking and stressful at the same time. So there’s a lot to manage all at once.
29:08 Closing Remarks
Amazing. Well, thank you both for being here with us. This was great. That’s all the time we have today. So thank you again to our panelists, and thank you all of our listeners and viewers.
If you need help or support, please reach out to us. We are here for you. We have excellent clinicians and resources here at Stony Brook Medicine, which can actually be found on our LGBTQ care website.
Thank you again and take care.
Announcer
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