Grief is a deeply personal experience that nearly everyone will face at some point in their lives. It can happen after losing a loved one, ending a relationship, a traumatic event or when life doesn’t turn out as you had hoped. Many people know of the “five stages of grief,” but real grief is often messier and more complex.
If you are navigating your own loss or supporting someone who is, this article explains the meaning of grief and commonly understood stages of grief, and offers reassurance that there is no single right way to grieve.
What Is Grief?
According to the American Psychological Association, grief is the anguish you experience after a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one. It can affect both your mind and body, leading to feelings like sadness, confusion, longing and even physical discomfort.
Everyone’s grief looks different, and all reactions are valid.
What Are the Stages of Grief?
The stages of grief come from the Kübler-Ross model, developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Originally, the stages described how people cope with terminal illness, but over time they became a well-known framework for understanding all types of loss.
It is important to remember that these stages were never meant to be strict, ordered steps. Not everyone experiences all of them, and they don’t always happen in a specific sequence. Think of them as a way to help identify and understand your emotions during a painful time.
Let’s take a closer look at what each stage might feel like in everyday life.
The Five Stages of Grief Explained
1. Denial: “This can’t be real.”
Denial often appears immediately after a loss. You may feel numb, shocked or unable to fully believe what has happened. It’s okay if you feel like you’re in a fog. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from becoming overwhelmed all at once, giving you time to process the new reality at your own pace.
2. Anger: “Why is this happening?”
Anger is a normal and healthy reaction to the pain of loss. You might feel angry at yourself, another person, the world or even the person or situation you lost. This anger often stems from deep pain and a sense of unfairness. It does not mean you are doing anything wrong; it is a powerful emotion that needs a voice.
3. Bargaining: “If only…”
Bargaining is your mind’s attempt to regain control or make sense of the loss. You may find yourself replaying moments, wishing you had said or done something different or making “what if” scenarios. These thoughts are a common and very human part of processing what has happened.
4. Depression: “This hurts so much.”
This stage is characterized by deep sadness, loneliness and a sense of emptiness. Feeling this way does not mean you are weak or “stuck.” It signifies that you are beginning to confront the reality of your loss and heal from something that has profoundly changed your life. It is an honest reflection of the pain you feel.
5. Acceptance: “This is my new reality.”
Acceptance is not about “getting over it” or forgetting. Instead, it means learning to live with the loss and finding ways to carry its memory with you as you move forward. It means acknowledging your new reality. Some days may still be hard, even after you have reached a place of acceptance, and that is perfectly okay.
Do the Stages Happen in Order?
The short answer is no. Many people believe grief moves from one stage to another like steps on a ladder. In reality, grief often feels more like waves in the ocean. You may move between stages, feeling anger one week and denial the next. Some days the waves are small and manageable, while others can feel overwhelming.
This back-and-forth movement does not mean you are failing at grieving. It means your grief is normal.
Beyond Five Stages: Other Ways to Understand Grief
While the five stages are well-known, other models can also provide comfort and understanding.
The Seven Stages of Grief
Some frameworks describe seven stages, which often include shock and guilt as distinct steps. These expanded models simply add more detail to the original, reinforcing the idea that grief is a complex mix of emotions that change over time.
What matters most isn’t the number of stages — it’s knowing that your feelings are valid.
The Dual Process Model
Another helpful idea is the Dual Process Model. This model explains that during grief, people naturally move between two different states:
- Loss-oriented activities: This involves confronting the loss, feeling the pain and working through your emotions.
- Restoration-oriented activities: This includes adjusting to daily life without what you’ve lost, taking on new tasks and finding moments of distraction or joy.
The Dual Process Model suggests that moving back and forth between these two states is a healthy and necessary part of adapting to loss.
Common Feelings During Grief
Grief can show up in many ways, and everyone’s experience is different. You may recognize some of these common physical and emotional signs:
- Feeling tired, drained or physically weak
- Trouble concentrating or making decisions
- Sudden and intense mood swings
- Missing the person or situation at unexpected moments
- Feelings of guilt, confusion or regret
- A desire to be alone more often
- A need for more support and connection than usual
You don’t have to experience all of these to be grieving. Even one or two can be a sign that you are adjusting to a significant change.
When to Reach Out for Support
Grief is a normal part of life, but you don’t have to go through it alone. If you are finding it hard to cope or feel stuck, reaching out to a mental health professional can provide the support you need. Consider seeking help if:
- Your sadness feels overwhelming most days
- You struggle to function at work, school or home
- You feel hopeless or numb for an extended period
- You find yourself withdrawing from people you care about
- You have thoughts of harming yourself
Reaching out for professional support is a sign of strength, not a sign of failure.
How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
Supporting a loved one or friend through grief can be simple but meaningful. Here are some ways you can help:
- Listen without judgment. Sometimes, just being present and allowing them to share their feelings is the most valuable support you can offer.
- Acknowledge their emotions. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, numb or however they need to feel.
- Offer practical help. Small gestures, like cooking a meal, running errands or taking care of daily tasks, can lift a burden when everyday life feels overwhelming.
- Be patient. Since grief doesn’t have a timeline, their emotions may change day to day, and that’s normal.
- Provide gentle reassurance. Sometimes, a caring presence and a few kind words are more comforting than any advice.
Being there consistently, even in small ways, can truly make a difference to someone who is grieving.
Grief is a personal journey, unique to each individual. The stages of grief can help you name the powerful emotions you’re feeling, but they are not a roadmap you must follow. Be patient with yourself. You are not alone, and help is available whenever you need it.
